“You Got a Problem With Me?”: 3 Ways to Defuse a Tense Situation

Note: People can be unpredictable. This story outlines an experience I had one morning. My response surprised me. It also helped me appreciate what I’ve learned in counselling clients. The story was first published online last year.

He was taller than me, much wider and far stronger.

We’d just walked past each other.

But he turned around and was now walking towards me. Chest puffed up, elbows bent, fists clenched. Ready to face the threat.

I knew what I’d done before he mentioned it.

I don’t own a car. I seldom need one. The city I live in is flat and ideal for walking.

I love letting my mind wander while walking.

My thoughts are elsewhere this morning, so I accidentally hold eye contact with a man for longer than usual. He takes it as a threat and rises to the challenge.

“You got a problem with me?” he asks. “Why are you looking at me?”

“No, not at all,” I reply. “I thought you said hello. So, I said hello back.”

His demeanour suddenly softens.

“Oh, okay bro,” he says, holding out his hand.

We shake hands, wish each other a good day, then go our separate ways.

Later, I shared what happened with two friends. Both said I was lucky things didn’t go some other way. Luck may have played a role. My experience counselling adults sent by the courts also helped.

Here are three ways to defuse a tense situation:

1. Remain present

I often panic and run away when tension rises. This provides some short-term relief, but can make things worse. Better long-term results occur when I ask myself:

Given the difference between me and the things I am facing, am I willing to: connect to the present moment, feel my emotions without trying to change or control them, and do what takes me in the direction of my chosen values?
— paraphrasing Steven C. Hayes, originator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

This question raised my awareness (I know what I’ve done), jogged my memory (I’ve been here before), and helped me connect with my values which guided my actions.

2. Quickly address the concern

I acted promptly.

I did not ignore the man. Nor did I avoid his questions or argue.

I owned my behavior, not his interpretation.

3. Live consistently with your values

I value connection, honestly, respect and responsibility.

My answers expressed my intention:

• “You got a problem with me?” → “No, not at all”.
• “Why are you looking at me?” → “I thought you said hello. So, I said hello back.”

This reframe, and the man’s change in demeanour, helped both of us to see each other in a new way.