Finding True Love and Respect in the Modern World: What Counselling Clients Has Taught Me About Genuine Connections
Note: Relationships can get complicated. My friend, Jonathan Milligan once told me: “A balanced approach is always wise.” This story was first published online last year.
I recently read a story from Barefoot Grace on Medium. It was thought-provoking. And I wrote a long response.
I had second thoughts about my response’s location today.
So I copied my long response here. I formatted it next and hit publish. Then, back in her responses, I cut my comment down to a brief statement of gratitude and added a link to this story.
I’m interested to hear what you think of it.
Thanks Barefoot Grace
Thanks for sharing your experience. There’s lots there to think about.
When I saw your story’s subheading, I looked forward to reading about how masculinity and femininity tends to make men and women wear masks. Yet, only masculinity and mask-wearing men are mentioned.
- How does femininity make women wear masks?
- What masks do women wear?
- How does this impact their relationships with men and other women?
Emotional health requires ...
In my counselling practice, I’ve had the privilege of helping many men and women ranging in ages from 13 to 95.
I’ve seen how society and culture tends to teach and emphasize emotional expression in females and emotional regulation in males.
But learning how (and when) to balance both is required for emotional health and psychological wellbeing.
Men are vulnerable when ...
I’ve discovered men often open up when they feel respected and safe.
Respect involves being willing to learn how (and why) someone does something the way they do it.
This includes:
- honoring their way isn’t wrong, it’s just different from how I may do it.
Safety involves creating a nonjudgmental environment, regardless of what they say or how they say it.
This includes:
- being willing to empathize,
- stepping out of my comfort zone,
- giving up my agenda, and
- not demanding they do things my way to meet my needs.
Women like hearing ...
And in working with couples, I’ve learnt three phrases women often rank as their favorite to hear from men:
- “I love you,”
- “I’m sorry,” and
- “Don’t worry honey, I’ve got this.”
The first two are related to men being vulnerable.
The third demonstrates the man’s physical, emotional, financial and social strength — which makes the woman feel safe and secure.
Vulnerability and strength
Yes, women are attracted to vulnerability.
And they’re also attracted to strength — which is often labeled as assertiveness or confidence.