5 Tips to Forgive Someone So Resentment and Bitterness Don’t Destroy Your Life

I often underestimate the power of forgiveness.

Someone betrays me. I hold a grudge. Then resentment and bitterness begins to destroy me.

These 5 tips can free us from this process.

1. Know what forgiveness is

Forgiveness is a conscious choice.

I choose to let go of the resentment I have towards someone who has harmed me, whether they deserve it or not. I no longer seek revenge and focus on healing instead.

This process takes time and effort.

2. Understand what forgiveness is not

Forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness.

I don’t approve, excuse, ignore or justify the actions of the person who hurt me. Nor do I forget what happened or pretend my pain doesn’t exist.

I learn from it and choose to move forward.

3. Use a helpful metaphor

This metaphor has helped my clients and I understand forgiveness better.

Imagine forgiveness as wiping away a massive debt you have no hope of repaying. When someone harms me, it feels like they owe me something. I release them of their entire debt when I choose to forgive them.

They no longer owe me anything.

4. Be aware of bitterness and resentment

Bitterness and resentment enter my life when I hold on to grudges and refuse to forgive.

They take root and ooze pus into my heart and mind. I spend most of my time and energy dwelling on past hurts and feeling intense anger. This often leads to stress, anxiety, depression, headaches and digestive issues.

My desire to seek revenge consumes me.

5. Experience the power of forgiveness

Forgiveness takes time and effort. Yet, its liberating power is worth it. These steps can help you in this process.

• Acknowledge your pain you experienced as a result of someone’s actions. Resist the tendency to avoid it. Notice and name it, and let yourself feel the thoughts and emotions that come with it.
• Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. This isn’t easy. At times, it’s impossible. Understanding their motives and circumstances might help you forgive them. This doesn’t mean you excuse their behavior.
• Set boundaries. Protect yourself from future harm. You don’t need to let the person who hurt you back into your life. Limit contact with them and seek help from a therapist or counselor if you need to.
• Choose to let go. The desire to seek vengeance and make the other person suffer is strong. Holding on to these feelings prolongs your suffering. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s a gift you give to yourself so you let go of the past and embrace the future.
• Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself throughout this process. It is a process, not a quick fix. Realise it may take some time. It’s okay to feel angry, hurt and upset. When you do, choose to forgive. Then remind yourself that you deserve to heal and experience peace.