3 Tips to Help You Cope With Family Conflict This Christmas

Christmas is fast approaching.

It’s a time for celebration, family, presents, food, and laughter. But for some, Christmas isn’t fun. It’s horrid.

So here are 3 tips to help you cope with family conflict this Christmas.

1. Dress appropriately

You’re enjoying Christmas dinner, then BAM!

Someone sucker punches you. Was it a grandparent, one of your parents, an aunt, or uncle? Or a sibling, in-law, or cousin? Regardless of who it is, their comment hits its target. And you fall to the floor, winded.

Let’s flip that on its head.

No, I’m not suggesting you start a fist-fight with granny. I want to offer you some valuable options, not get you arrested for elder abuse. So, humour me a little. Imagine you’re enjoying Christmas dinner with your family. Then someone calls you “a big yellow chicken.”

You glance at them, then ignore it.

With so many people talking, you might have misheard the comment. Then it happens again. And again, and again. Throughout the night, this individual refers to you as “a big yellow chicken.”

Something’s not right.

Are they under the influence of drugs? Did they drink too much booze? Or have they lost the plot? (I’m reminded of that song, Mrs Robinson.)

You don’t need a mirror, rehab, or a therapist to know you’re not “a big yellow chicken.”

A chicken suit doesn’t fit how you see (and know) yourself. So you don’t wear it. Yet, what happens when a family member calls you “a fat, ugly pig”? Or says you’re “a broke, lonely loser with no prospects”?

Those comments hurt.

You wear them throughout Christmas Day like they’re a Santa hat, a pair of fluffy antlers or an festive sweater. You fear there’s a kernel of truth to their criticism. But they don’t know the future. And nor do you.

Remember, their comments say more about them than you.

We all have undesirable thoughts, feelings, desires, urges and behaviours. Their criticism often reflects their refusal to look within and accept these things. So they project their beliefs, insecurities, and perspectives onto you. Or they attribute your behaviour to personality traits, while downplaying the situation you’re in.

Their bias and criticism doesn’t fit you, so stop wearing it.

2. Stick to the facts

In 1953, Stan Freberg recorded and released St. George and the Dragonet

This spoof combines an ancient tale with the popular 1950s radio-TV series Dragnet. It was a smash hit, selling over one million copies in the first three weeks. It reached number one on both the Billboard and the Cash Box record charts. The B side, Little Blue Riding Hood, popularised the catchphrase, “Just the facts, ma’am.” Many attribute the phrase to Jack Webb’s character, Sgt. Joe Friday. It reflects his straightforward, focused approach to gathering information.

But the catchphrase doesn’t appear in any Dragnet episode.

Webb often used, “All we want are the facts, ma’am,” and sometimes said, “All we know are the facts, ma’am”. And Freberg actually says, “We just want to get the facts, ma’am.”

Addressing disrespectful comments and criticism from a family member is difficult.

We may experience a dynamic where:

• They impose rules, expectations, or demands on us; and
• We conform, comply, or suppress our emotions.

Sticking to the facts helps us:

• Recognise when we’re slipping into this pattern;
• Explore other perspectives; and
• Choose a healthier response.

3. Be respectful and assertive

Many experts suggest you tell the family member how you feel about their criticism.

I disagree. You may as well draw a target on yourself and hand them a loaded gun — especially if they lack empathy. They’ll see your vulnerable ‘I’ statements as a weakness, and will keep criticising you.

So try this instead:

• Notice this hurts and keep it to yourself;
• Say, “I hear your opinion, here’s my opinion;” and
• Keep saying it if they continue to criticise or argue.

This simple statement does at least seven things:

• It acknowledges your family member;
• It shows you’re listening;
• It respects their right to have a perspective;
• It validates their thoughts and feelings;
• It asserts your opinion in a calm and direct way;
•  It opens the door for a constructive dialogue; and
• It maintains mutual respect in the face of differing opinions.

Each family is unique. So adapt these tips to your specific situation. May they help you cope with family conflict this Christmas.

Inspiration

Dress appropriately

• Foghorn Leghorn popped into my mind several years ago during a counselling session. So I used him as a metaphor for the issue the client was facing.
• Sigmund Freud’s theory of projection.
• The fundamental attribution error, developed by Lee Ross.

Stick to the facts

• Eric Berne’s Parent-Adult-Child model.

Be respectful and assertive

• I heard the phrase “I hear your opinion, here’s my opinion” 20 years ago. I can’t recall where. I guess it was in relation to Phillip McGraw’s book, Life Strategies.